It’s funny how there are always some people who cannot look in the mirror and look themselves in the eyes, but they have no problem telling you all about yourself! Have you ever had someone like that in your life? They have all your answers to fix your life but can’t quite seem to fix their own!

The problem with that is that if you have any doubts hidden away inside you about yourself, their opinions and judgements seem to shoot like an arrow right through the heart of your worst doubts and leave you thinking, “wow that hit, they must be right. I must be bad or undeserving or not good enough.”

They are probably NOT right. They didn’t pick up on who you are. They picked up on who you are afraid you might be!

We can wear our doubts and fears about ourselves like badges on our jackets and for people who are a bit less conscious of their own identity and behavior or those who are jealous, that is almost like a call to arms and they will go after you, label you, judge you and/or try to fix you or mold you into something less than you are. They will bring you down to their level where their jealousies can relax. Sometimes it is a highly toxic person and sometimes it is our own loved ones who actually mean well but are just a bit misguided in their approach and self-awareness.

In either case the only true way to shield oneself without creating a lot of unnecessary chaos, pointless argument or even straight up abuse, is to dig into the root causes of our own doubts about ourselves and work on resolving them. It is our best defense! Our self-doubt does not come from nowhere. It has causes and has roots. But don’t let that lead you into a victim mode, even if you have been victimized, because that will take away your power to change the effects of the toxic treatment as well as your inner turmoil.

This is not about putting on the tough girl show or arguing to defend yourself with someone who is behaving in a toxic manner. That’s like getting into an argument with a skunk. You are not going to win that one! I am talking about very simply putting up boundaries, stating simply what you feel you need to say and moving on. Then you get down to the work of repudiating your own self-doubts and various other negative thoughts about yourself. This is so you do not continue to be a magnet for the wrong kind of people and behavior from others.

Have you ever noticed how super confident people can just brush criticism off like a fly on their shoulder? I personally don’t think anyone is 100 percent immune to hurtful criticism. And celebrities and politicians certainly expect it and get a huge dose of it, and are often very hurt by it. But that is on a whole other level. In general, those who are confident enough in their own identity have a shield of self-knowledge that allows unfair criticism to roll off their shoulders.

Please understand, self-doubt is human and you are not alone. Even heroes go through periods of doubt. According to history, Jesus did. I know also that Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. doubted his own ability to speak to the people and communicate his message right before he went out to give his famous speech, “I have a dream….”. I know this because my own mentor, a man named Jay, had the conversation with him that reignited his hope and confidence that day right before he went out and delivered that speech!

I have had my own doubts countless times before I went onstage to perform. I found unique ways, (usually involving visualization) years ago, to overcome and keep going. Even Kobe, yes Kobe Bryant, the epitome of endless confidence and Mamba Mentality, had self-doubt! I know this to be true because he told me so. I actually talked to him about his doubts. I only mention this because it is something he also spoke of publicly in interviews on a couple of occasions after his retirement…. in his efforts to encourage others.

My point is don’t get down on yourself for having doubts. Welcome to the human race! The doubts and the efforts to resolve them are part of the journey. Embrace that.

All that said, when someone attacks you and it hits, it often hits hard because it tends to touch a chord of one’s own doubts about themselves. So, the absolute best antidote to the vitriol of others is to develop an unshakeable self-knowledge. From that comes belief and from belief comes confidence.

When negativity comes at you, that does not come in a loving way of friendly correction or constructive criticism, then it is probably coming from someone’s jealousies, lack of knowledge about themselves, or perhaps sheer evil intent. It’s projection. It’s not yours! Let them keep it and you focus on your authentic identity.

I have had some harsh times in my life, more than once, where someone tried to crush me under the weight of their own self-hatred and/or jealousy. I will not suggest that I was immune to it at all at the time. When you are married to the person or it is a close family member or parent, it is tough to avoid and go about your business of developing a strong self-image, identity and confidence. If you can get away from it and heal that is helpful. If you cannot, don’t cave in, there are things you can do to shield yourself while you heal and gain inner strength.

In my case it was a matter of jealousy. I know that because I was fortunate enough in 3 of the 5 situations to get an apology and later on, some explanation about the reasons for the cruel behavior after the other individuals had time to reflect. But I had to leave the environment and work on myself for that to happen. It was not my fault. But it was my responsibility to overcome it.

There was really only one situation that came at me out of sheer evil intent on the part of those involved which never drew an apology or any closure whatsoever. In this kind of thing slander and defamation can beat a person down no matter how wildly incorrect the accusations and slander may be. It can indeed whittle away at your psyche as it did mine for a long time before I was able to shed it and take back my power and my authentic identity. It can be done. But you must shed it before it becomes like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

The most important thing to realize is that when you are the victim of a crime or the victim of a toxic marriage or childhood, or the victim of a scam or a hacker that involves public slander, these things do NOT define you! It can indeed get under your skin, and into your thoughts and worries. But you can get out from under that dead weight. You CAN indeed shed the victim mode and cultivate your authentic power and personality.

It is about finding your true unshakeable identity. And that is not found in how anyone else defines you. It is found in how you show up in your heart, how you behave, and how those two things dance together in your life and in society.

I hope this gives you a boost of hope and confidence to move through the difficult chapters of your life and the difficult people. You are indeed deserving of a good life free of negativity and abuse. Once you come to see how amazing and how powerful you really are, you will be surprised at how much you can change and become more of the best of who you are!

I wish you peace and wholeness!